How to choose your life partner7096x 20. 11. 2019 1 Reader
A frustrated single person can often feel less happy than a person in a relationship. Indeed, at first glance, it seems that this is also supported by research. Married people are reportedly happier on average than single people and much happier than divorced people. However, a more detailed analysis shows that if we divide the “spouses” into two groups based on the quality of the marriage, the spouses who evaluate their bond as bad are very depressed and much less happy than unmarried people, and the spouses from happy marriages are even happier than literature says. ”
In other words, this is the assumption and then the reality:
In fact, dissatisfied free people should consider their situation neutral and rather hopeful compared to what they might be. Such a single individual who would like to find a great relationship is actually just one step away from his to-do list: "1) Find a great relationship."
On the other hand, people in miserable relationships are missing three big steps from an imaginary to-do list: “1) Go through an emotionally devastating breakup. 2) Recover from it. 3) Find a great relationship. “When you look at it through this lens, it's not that bad, is it?
Of course, all the research on how much happiness differs in happy and unhappy marriages makes perfect sense. This is your life partner.
Thinking about how extremely important it is to choose the right life partner is like thinking about the size of the universe or how terrifying death is - it's too intense to admit reality, so we don't think much about it and the importance and magnitude of the problem we just kind of overlook.
But unlike the death and size of the universe, the choice of life partner is entirely in your hands. So it is very important that you clarify how big a decision is and make careful consideration of the most important factors when making your decision.
So how serious is the decision?
Start by subtracting your age from 90. If you are long-lived, the number of years you spend with your current or future life partner will come out, plus or minus a few years. No matter how old you are, it is a lot of time - and almost the rest of your only existence.
(Sure, people are getting divorced, but you don't expect it. A recent study shows that 86% of young people assume their current or future marriage will be forever, and I doubt that older people feel it differently. )
And when you decide for a life partner, you choose a lot of things with him, including a parenting partner, someone who will profoundly influence your children, your dining companion for about 20 000 meals, a traveling companion on about 100 vacations, a chief friend on free time and retirement, career counselor and someone whose daily experiences you will hear about 18 000 times.
So, since choosing a partner is by far the most important thing for a happy life, how is it that so many great, intelligent, otherwise logically thinking people ultimately have a life relationship in which they are dissatisfied and unhappy?
As it turns out, a number of factors counteract us:
People often do not know what they want from a relationship
Studies have shown that free people generally cannot predict their future relationship preferences. One study found that people in speed dating, when asked what is important to them in a relationship, usually say something different than what turns out to be their real preference a few minutes later.
This should not be so surprising - in life you usually only improve your life when you have tried it many times. Unfortunately, many people have no chance of being in more than a few, if any, serious relationships before opting for the ultimate one. Just not enough time. And since your needs often vary greatly when you're single or in a relationship, it's hard to realize as a single what you want or need from a relationship.
Company gives us a bad example
→ Society advises us to remain uneducated and to follow romance.
If you are an entrepreneur, it is assumed that you are a much more effective business owner, if you study a school, develop well-thought out business plans, and analyze your business performance carefully. This is logical because you do this when you want to do something well and minimize errors.
But if someone went to school to learn how to choose a life partner and have a healthy relationship, plan a detailed action plan and keep track of their progress in a table, the company would probably say it is A) too rational a robot B) too timid C) big weirdo.
No, when it comes to dating, society looks at too much thinking, and instead burns things like relying on fate, trusting in instinct and that everything will turn out well. If a business owner followed this approach, he would probably go bankrupt, and if not, it would be largely due to happiness - and the company wants us to approach the issue of partnership.
→ The company stigmatizes the intellectual selection of potential partners.
In the study of whether we prefer our preferences or what is on offer in the selection, the current bid clearly won - 98% of the answers was what is “on the market”… and only 2% consisted of permanent preferences and desires. Whether people wanted to date someone tall, small, fat, skinny, professionally educated, spiritually based, studied or not was more than nine-tenths of what was on offer that evening.5
In other words, people ultimately choose from the choices they have, no matter how little these candidates fit. The obvious conclusion to be drawn is that anyone looking for a life partner should try a lot of online dating, speed dating and other similar options to maximize the thoughtful candidate list to their potential partners.
But old good companies don't like it very much and people are often ashamed to say they're looking for their partner on a dating site. A recognized way to get to know a life partner is by happiness, by accident, or by someone from your limited circle of acquaintances. Fortunately, this stigma has disappeared over time, but its existence is a proof of how illogical the current rules of social acquaintance are.
→ Society is in a hurry.
In our world, the main rule is to get married before you are too old - and “too old” ranges from 25 to 35 years depending on where you live. The rule should be "whatever you do, don't marry the wrong person". But society is looking at a much worse 37-year-old than a miserable 37-year-old with two children. It doesn't make sense - the first is just one step away from a happy marriage, while the other must either settle for being permanently unhappy or endure a difficult divorce just to return to the position where the single individual is now.
Our biological clock will not forgive us
→ The human body has evolved a long time ago and does not understand the concept of a deep connection with a life partner for 50 years.
When we start seeing each other and feel the slightest glimmer of excitement, our organism immediately enters the "well, let's do" mode, bombarding us with chemical impulses that make us mating (lust), falling in love (honeymoon phase) and then surrendering long run (bundle). Usually our brains can suppress this process if the person just isn't the right person for us. But in many cases where it would probably be best to go on and find someone better, we often succumb to this chemical roller coaster and end up in marriage.
→ The biological clock is a monster.
For a woman who wants to have her own children with her husband, there is one very real constraint, namely the need to choose the right life partner up to about forty, take it or leave it. This is quite a complication and makes the already difficult process a bit more stressful. Yet, if I were in the shoes of such a woman, I'd rather adopt children with the right life partner than biological children with the wrong one.
So now take some people who don't know what they want from the relationship. Surround them with a company that tells them that they have to find a life partner, hurry with it, and don't think much about it. Then combine it with our biological processes that drug us when we try to solve everything, with the threat of procreation for children before it's too late. What do you get out of it?
A mixture of big decisions for the wrong reasons and a lot of people playing with the most important decisions of their lives. Let's look at some of the common types of people who fall victim to this process and end up in miserable relationships:
Too romantic Ronald
Too romantic Ronald believes that love is enough in itself to marry someone. Romance can be an excellent part of a relationship, and love is a key component of a happy marriage, but without many other important things, that is simply not enough.
An overly romantic man has repeatedly ignored the silent voice he is trying to speak when he and his girlfriend are constantly fighting, or when he seems to feel much worse these days than before the relationship. It will silence the inner voice with thoughts like, "Everything is happening for some reason, and the way we met could not be just a coincidence." "I'm terribly in love with it, and that's what matters" - because when a too romantic person once believes that he has found his soul mate, he will no longer doubt and ask questions, and will endure in this faith throughout his 50 year of unhappy marriage.
Fear is one of the worst possible decision-makers in choosing the right life partner. Unfortunately, as our company is set up, fear is starting to infect all otherwise rational people since they were about 25 years old. The various kinds of fear that society, parents, and friends place on us - perhaps being the last of all my friends without a partner, being an old parent, talking about me, and so on - lead us to end up in a not ideal relationship. Ironically, the only rational concern we should really feel is the fear of spending the remaining two-thirds of our lives unhappily, with the wrong person - precisely the fate of those who control their fear.
Ed, influenced by his surroundings
The environmentally manipulated Ed allows other people to play too much a role in deciding on their life partner. But choosing a life partner is a deeply personal, extremely complicated, almost incomprehensible process for everyone and from outside, no matter how well you know someone. The opinions and preferences of other people do not therefore have a place to apply, except in the extreme case of, for example, ill-treatment or abuse.
The saddest example of this is when someone breaks up with a person who would be his right life partner. And he will only do this because of external disapproval or a factor that he doesn't really care about (commonly religion, for example), but feels compelled to give in to the family's insistence or expectations. It can also be the other way around. Everyone around is so excited about his relationship that looks great on the outside (not so much from the inside) that Ed, despite his instinct, listens to others and gets married.
Shallow Sharon is more concerned with describing his life partner than with his true personality. He has to “check out” a lot of things - his height, prestige, wealth, achievements or - which is new - for example, whether he is a stranger or has a specific talent. Certainly everyone has their own de-boxing, but a highly ego-driven person prefers an external impression over the quality of their relationship with their potential life partner.
If you want to use a new humorous term for partners who have been selected mainly because of the "tick boxes" and not for your true personality, you can call them a "questionnaire friend" or "questionnaire wife" etc. .
Selfishness exists in three, sometimes overlapping types:
1) My or Nothing Type
This person does not sacrifice and does not compromise. She believes that her needs, desires and opinions are simply more important than those of her partner, and she has to push her through in almost every major decision. She really doesn't want a real partnership, but she wants to keep her own life and have someone to keep her company.
This person will inevitably end up at best with someone careless, in the worst case, with a person with self-esteem. It does not give anyone a chance to be part of an equal team, which almost certainly limits the potential quality of her marriage.
2) Main Role Type
The fundamental problem of this person is a huge self-centeredness. He demands a life partner who makes him both a therapist and an admirer. But he does not return this favor. They talk to their partner every night about their day, but 90% of the talk is about his experience - after all, he plays the main role in the relationship. He is unable to free himself from his own world, and his life partner plays the role of helper, which makes the long-term bond somewhat stereotyped or boring.
3) Type driven by needs
Everyone has certain needs and surely likes to be satisfied. But problems arise when their fulfillment becomes the main criterion for choosing a life partner - for example, he cooks for me, he will be a great father, a great wife, he is rich, he helps me organize, he is great in bed. These things are great benefits, but that's all - they're just benefits. And after a year of marriage, when a needs-driven person is completely accustomed to meeting their needs and it's no longer so exciting for them, it would be useful to have other positives for which the relationship works well.
The main reason why most of the above types end up in miserable relationships is because they are driven by a motivating force that ignores the reality of life partnership and what brings happiness in it.
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