A frustrated single person can often feel less happy than a person in a relationship. Indeed, at first glance, it seems that this is also supported by research. Married people are reportedly happier on average than single people and much happier than divorced people. However, a more detailed analysis shows that if we divide the “spouses” into two groups based on the quality of the marriage, the spouses who evaluate their bond as bad are very depressed and much less happy than unmarried people, and the spouses from happy marriages are even happier than literature says. ”

In other words, this is the assumption and then the reality:

In fact, dissatisfied free people should consider their situation neutral and rather hopeful compared to what they might be. Such a single individual who would like to find a great relationship is actually just one step away from his to-do list: "1) Find a great relationship."

On the contrary, people in unhappy relationships lack three big steps from an imaginary list of tasks: “1) Go through an emotionally devastating breakup. 2) Recover from it. 3) Find a great relationship. "When you look at it through this lens, it's not that bad, is it?

Of course, all the research on how much happiness differs in happy and unhappy marriages makes perfect sense. This is your life partner.

Lifelong partner

Thinking about how extremely important it is to choose the right life partner is like thinking about the size of the universe or how terrifying death is - it's too intense to admit reality, so we don't think much about it and the importance and magnitude of the problem we just kind of overlook.

But unlike the death and size of the universe, the choice of life partner is entirely in your hands. So it is very important that you clarify how big a decision is and make careful consideration of the most important factors when making your decision.

So how serious is the decision?

Start by subtracting your age from 90. If you are long-lived, the number of years you spend with your current or future life partner will come out, plus or minus a few years. No matter how old you are, it is a lot of time - and almost the rest of your only existence.

(Sure, people are getting divorced, but you don't expect it. A recent study shows that 86% of young people assume their current or future marriage will be forever, and I doubt that older people feel it differently. )

And when you choose a life partner, you choose a lot of things with him, including a parenting partner, someone who will deeply influence your children, your dining companion for about 20 meals, a travel companion for about 000 vacations, a main friend on free time and retirement, a career counselor and someone whose daily experiences you will hear about 100 times.

Big trouble

So since choosing a partner is by far the most important thing for a happy life, how is it possible that so many great, intelligent, otherwise logically thinking people end up having a life relationship in which they are dissatisfied and unhappy?

As it turns out, a number of factors counteract us:

People often do not know what they want from a relationship

Studies have shown that free people generally cannot predict their future relationship preferences. One study found that people in speed dating, when asked what is important to them in a relationship, usually say something different than what turns out to be their real preference a few minutes later.

This should not be so surprising - in life you usually only improve your life when you have tried it many times. Unfortunately, many people have no chance of being in more than a few, if any, serious relationships before opting for the ultimate one. Just not enough time. And since your needs often vary greatly when you're single or in a relationship, it's hard to realize as a single what you want or need from a relationship.

SOCIETY gives us a bad example

→ Society advises us to remain uneducated and to follow romance.

If you are an entrepreneur, it is assumed that you are a much more efficient owner of the company, if you graduate from the appropriate school, you will create well-thought-out business plans and carefully analyze the performance of your company. It's logical, because you do this when you want to do something good and minimize mistakes.

But if someone went to school to learn how to choose a life partner and have a healthy relationship, planned a detailed action plan and continuously monitored their progress in a table, the company would probably say about him that he is A) too rational robot. , B) too fearful C) a great freak.

No, when it comes to dating, society looks too much at thinking, and instead burns with things like relying on fate, trusting instinct, and that everything will turn out well. If the business owner followed this approach, he would probably go bankrupt, and if he didn't, it would be largely due to luck - and the company wants us to approach the issue of partnership in this way.

→ The company stigmatizes the intellectual selection of potential partners.

In the study of whether we prefer our preferences or what is on offer in the selection, the current bid clearly won - 98% of answers was what is available "on the market" ... and only 2% consisted of permanent preferences and desires. Whether people wanted to date someone tall, small, fat, thin, professionally educated, spiritually based, studied or not was more than nine-tenths of what was on offer that evening.⁵

In other words, people end up choosing from the options they have, no matter how little they suit these candidates. The obvious conclusion to be drawn is that anyone looking for a life partner should try a lot of online dating, "speed dating" and other similar options in order to expand the list of candidates to their potential partners as much as possible and thoughtfully.

But old good companies don't like it very much and people are often ashamed to say they're looking for their partner on a dating site. A recognized way to get to know a life partner is by happiness, by accident, or by someone from your limited circle of acquaintances. Fortunately, this stigma has disappeared over time, but its existence is a proof of how illogical the current rules of social acquaintance are.

→ Society is in a hurry.

In our world, the main rule is to get married before you're too old - and "too old" ranges from 25 to 35 years, depending on where you live. The rule should be "whatever you do, don't take the wrong person." But society views a 37-year-old single person much worse than an unhappily married 37-year-old with two children. That doesn't make sense - the former is only one step away from a happy marriage, while the latter must either be content with being permanently unhappy or end a difficult divorce just to return to the position where the single individual is now.

Our biological clock will not forgive us

→ The human body has evolved a long time ago and does not understand the concept of a deep connection with a life partner for 50 years.

When we start seeing someone and feel the slightest flash of excitement, our body immediately goes into "okay, let's do it" mode and bombardes us with chemical impulses that make us mate (lust), fall in love (honeymoon phase) and then surrender. long run (bundle). Our brains can usually suppress this process if that person is simply not the right person for us. But in many cases, where it would probably be best to go further and find someone better, we often succumb to this chemical roller coaster and end up in marriage.

→ The biological clock is a monster.

For a woman who wants to have children with her husband, there is one very real limitation, and that is the need to choose the right life partner until about forty, take it or leave it. This is quite a complication and makes the already difficult process a bit more stressful. Nevertheless, if I were in the skin of such a woman, I would rather adopt children with the right life partner than have biological children with the wrong one.

So now marry a few people who don't know very well what they want from a relationship. Surround them with a company that tells them they need to find a life partner, hurry up and not think about it much. Then combine that with our biological processes that drug us as we try to solve everything, with the threat of having children before it's too late. What do you get out of it?

A mixture of big decisions for the wrong reasons and a lot of people playing with the most important decisions of their lives. Let's look at some of the common types of people who fall victim to this process and end up in miserable relationships:

Too romantic Ronald

Too romantic Ronald believes that love is enough in itself to marry someone. Romance can be an excellent part of a relationship, and love is a key component of a happy marriage, but without many other important things, that is simply not enough.

Romance

An overly romantic man has repeatedly ignored the silent voice he is trying to speak when he and his girlfriend are constantly fighting, or when he seems to feel much worse these days than before the relationship. It will silence the inner voice with thoughts like, "Everything is happening for some reason, and the way we met could not be just a coincidence." "I'm terribly in love with it, and that's what matters" - because when a too romantic person once believes that he has found his soul mate, he will no longer doubt and ask questions, and will endure in this faith throughout his 50 year of unhappy marriage.

Scared Frida

Fear is one of the worst possible decision-making factors when choosing the right life partner. Unfortunately, with the way our society is set up, the fear of infecting all otherwise rational people begins at the age of about 25. The different kinds of fear that society, parents and friends place on us - for example, being the last of all friends without a partner, being an old parent, talking about me, and so on - lead us to end up in a not-ideal relationship. The irony is that the only rational fear we should really feel is the fear of spending the remaining two-thirds of our lives unhappily, with the wrong person - that's exactly the fate of people who manage their fears.

Somebody marry me !!

Ed, influenced by his surroundings

The environmentally manipulated Ed allows other people to play too much a role in deciding on their life partner. But choosing a life partner is a deeply personal, extremely complicated, almost incomprehensible process for everyone and from outside, no matter how well you know someone. The opinions and preferences of other people do not therefore have a place to apply, except in the extreme case of, for example, ill-treatment or abuse.

Surroundings - YES. Sorry, but there are more and more echoes. His feeling - NO.

The saddest example of this is when someone breaks up with a person who would be their right life partner. And he does so only because of external disagreement or a factor that doesn't really interest him (usually religion, for example), but feels compelled to give in to the family's urges or expectations. It can also be the other way around. Everyone around is so excited about his relationship, which looks great on the outside (not so much on the inside) that Ed, despite his own instincts, obeys the others and marries.

Sketchy Sharon

Shallow Sharon is more concerned with describing his life partner than with his true personality. He has to “check out” a lot of things - his height, prestige, wealth, achievements or - which is new - for example, whether he is a stranger or whether he has any specific talent. Certainly everyone has their own de-boxing, but a highly ego-driven person favors an external impression over the quality of their relationship with their potential life partner when deciding.

I love you. You meet my demands.

If you want to use a new humorous term for partners who have been selected mainly because of the "tick boxes" and not for your true personality, you can call them a "questionnaire friend" or "questionnaire wife" etc. .

Selfish Stanley

Will you take my needs?

Selfishness exists in three, sometimes overlapping types:

1) My or Nothing Type

This person does not sacrifice and does not compromise. She believes that her needs, desires and opinions are simply more important than those of her partner, and she has to push her through in almost every major decision. She really doesn't want a real partnership, but she wants to keep her own life and have someone to keep her company.

This person will inevitably end up with someone frivolous at best, at worst with a person with self-confidence problems. She doesn't give anyone a chance to be part of an equal team, which almost certainly limits the potential quality of her marriage.

2) Main Role Type

The fundamental problem of this person is great self-centeredness. He demands a life partner who makes him both a therapist and an admirer. But he usually does not return this favor. Every night, they talk to their partner about their day, but 90% of the conversation is about his experiences - after all, he plays a major role in the relationship. He is not able to break free from his own world and his life partner rather plays the role of a helper, which makes a long-term bond somewhat stereotypical or boring.

3) Type driven by needs

Everyone has certain needs and surely likes to be satisfied. But problems arise when their fulfillment becomes the main criterion for choosing a life partner - for example, he cooks for me, he will be a great father, a great wife, he is rich, he helps me organize, he is great in bed. These things are great benefits, but that's all - they're just benefits. And after a year of marriage, when a needs-driven person is completely accustomed to meeting their needs and it's no longer so exciting for them, it would be useful to have other positives for which the relationship works well.

The main reason why most of the above types end up in unhappy relationships is that they are driven by a motivating force that does not take into account the reality of the life partnership and what brings happiness in it.

Tip for a book from the Sueneé Universe

Jane Wharam: Emotional Intelligence

Find out what it is the emotional intelligence and learn how to get to know yourself. You know what feelings are they driving you crazy? Have you ever wondered how to deal with such work emotionswhen they get out of you?

The author of this publication, Jane Wharam, writes legibly and clearly, her examples from everyday life may be very close to you. In addition to information, you will also find tests in the book emotional quotient (so-called EQ), many exercises that are supplemented with visualizations. Be happier, start living a life full of balance, learn right work with your emotions.

What will you learn with this book?

• How to get to know yourself.
• How to find out what you can calm down or upset.
• Jak improve your relationships with the surroundings.
• Jak Control your feelings and how to cease the emotions of others,
• How to be effective in communicating with others so that you can impress.
• How to manage conflicts, adapt better, or easily manage change.
• How and why listen to your instincts.
• What to do if there is a threat of "emotional overshooting" and how to handle it impulsive behavior.

• 

  The emotional intelligence