I can not talk about my feelings, I have low self-confidence ...

That's exactly what I had a few years ago. When I was a little kid, it was quite common that people in my neighborhood were moralizing, evaluating and sticking to other people, often even absent, and sometimes even those they did not personally know. I have heard various stickers - selfishness, brothel, lazy, clumsy ... And if not for those people, at least stickers for their external manifestations - stupid, lie, doodles. If it was to my address, I often believed it myself, and it was part of my inner image of myself. My self-confidence.

I believed it because there was no reason not to believe the experienced adult. I could hardly learn how to talk about myself, my feelings and values ​​when people in my immediate neighborhood did not do much about it. And who could I learn then, right? So I learned instead of being able to evaluate and label it. And not just others, but myself. I have nothing wrong with anyone. We are all mirrors, and we speak as people in our neighborhood talked about in childhood.

About two years ago, I consciously decided to break the chain and I would no longer evaluate and label people or their activities. Or I'll try at least as best I can. Not only for herself but mainly because of her children. I did not know what the trouble would be. The model I was so deeply devoured that it was at least initially wanted a lot of conscious work and thinking about what I was saying and how to say otherwise. If I can not say a sentence about myself, I try at least a factual description without a rating. Well, and this is sometimes the stumbling block. Do not submit your personal assessment as a fact. I find myself talking about myself. And when I do not know how to say otherwise, I find it sometimes better to keep quiet

I take it now that way when I give someone a sticker (say, "you're a naughty" to a child), it's more about me than about that child. Someone else could say that she has no problem with that child or what she does. So how is it? Is he "naughty" or not "naughty" when the two disagree? To me neither. He is primarily human. And the "naughty" is just a subjective evaluation that gives information about the upbringing and values ​​that the evaluator received. The fact that he just has a problem, that something bothers him.

When I criticize and label myself, I'm the one who bothers me. I am the holder of the problem. Why not admit it, and instead of evaluating a child, and transferring my own problem to them, do not say straight away that I mind something and that I have something to worry about?

Let me try a few examples with "translation":

- You're naughty. - I don't mind what you just did.
- You're a liar. - I don't like what you're saying. I do not believe it.
- You're selfish - I'm sorry you didn't lend me, but I understand you.
- You're unreliable. - I can't count on you.
- You're a mess. - I don't mind the scattered things here.
- You're a flink. - I need you to finish it.
- You scream like a baboon - Your screams disturb me / I need the peace.
- That's crap - I don't understand. I'd like to know what you mean.
- That's boring. - I don't like it

Do you feel the difference? And what would you rather hear as a child from your parents? Or even as an adult from a partner? (These communication templates also naturally play a part in partner communication).

It was enough to start changing myself, and it did not take long, and the change began to show up in my neighborhood with my very natural nature. It does not always work for 100%, but it does not have to be perfect, is it? Gábi and Ríša now speak much more about themselves and their feelings. I often hear their own sentences from them. If anything, though, they are choking (which, due to the influence of other family members, can not be avoided), I sometimes ask why they think it and what matters to them. We now have a lot more empathy among us, and I am very happy about it.