Jak to understand the meaning of jealousy and how can we cope with it? Jealousy is a killer. Relationships go bankrupt because of jealousy and people kill each other.

How does jealousy work?

Imagine the following situation. You're at a party, someone is friendly to you and you smile at him. Your partner thinks you're cheating on her. Or your partner tells you a funny story about a former lover and you feel threatened. You feel anger and anxiety grow in you, and you don't know what to do about it. That's the case with Susan.

She stared at her partner in an attempt to send him a "message" - I'm really upset and hurt. She hoped to understand the message. At other times she tried to punish him again by showing herself an interest in someone else. But it didn't work. Her partner just felt confused. Then Susan asked him if he still attracted him. Or is she bored with her? Is his type at all? At first he assured her that he did, but then - with recurring demands for further and further assurances - began to wonder why Susan felt so insecure. Maybe he wasn't really right for him. And when Susan got more stressed, she yelled at him, "Why don't you go home with her?" It's clear you want to! ”

Jealousy can also be a reason to end a relationship

These kinds of jealous conflicts can end the relationship. But if you're jealous, does that mean that there's something terribly wrong with you? Jealousy is actually an angry, agitated concern. When we are jealous, we are afraid that our partner might find someone more attractive and leave us. By this feeling of threat we can activate jealousy as a way to deal with this danger. We believe our jealousy will keep us from surprise, help us defend our rights and force our partner to give up other interests.

Like fear, jealousy can be the "strategy" we use to find out what's going on or what our partner "really feels". We can also think that jealousy will help us give up the relationship so that it no longer hurts us. If you feel jealous, it's important to ask yourself what you want to get. We use jealousy as a strategy to manage a situation. As with other types of worries, jealousy leads us to focus only on negatives. We understand our partner's behavior as a loss of interest in us or a growing interest in someone else: "She considers it appealing" or "Yawns because I'm boring". As with other worries, we jealously take things personally and anticipate other people's negative emotions: "She dresses nicely to attract other men."

Jealousy can be a flexible emotion

There are different reasons for jealousy in different cultures. But otherwise it is a universal emotion. In the book The Dangerous Passion of Evolutionary Psychologist David Buss, we find an apt description of how jealousy developed as a mechanism to defend our interests. After all, our ancestors, who eliminated their competitors, were more likely to survive their genes. It is also known that male conquerors (whether among lions or humans) killed the descendants of the oppressed. Jealousy was a way to defend one's vital interests.

We believe it is important to regard jealousy as emotion. It will certainly not work if we say, "If you are jealous, you are neurotic," or "You certainly have a lack of self-esteem". In some cases, jealousy can actually mean high self-esteem: "I will not allow myself to be treated in this way."

Jealousy can reflect your higher values

Psychologists - especially psychoanalysts - looked at jealousy as a sign of deep-seated insecurity and personality defects. We perceive jealousy as a much more complicated emotion. In fact, jealousy can really reflect your higher values ​​of commitment, monogamy, love, honesty and sincerity. You may be jealous because you want a monogamous relationship, and you fear you will lose what is valuable to you. We consider it very useful to verify these values ​​in our patients.

Some people may say that you do not own the other person. Of course it's true - and every loving and equal relationship is based on freedom. But it is also based on the choices made by two free people. If your partner freely decides to leave with someone else, be sure you have a good reason to feel jealous. We do not own each other, but we promise a commitment to one another. However, if your higher values ​​are based on honesty, devotion and monogamy, your jealousy can endanger the relationship. And this binds you. You don't want to give up your higher values ​​- but you don't want to feel overwhelmed by your jealousy.

There is a difference between jealousy and jealousy

Just as there is a difference between feeling angry and being hostile, there is a difference between feeling jealous and being jealous. It is important to realize that acting in jealousy is more dangerous to your relationship - examples are constant blame, reassurance, grinning, and unpleasant behavior. Stop by and say, "I know I feel jealous, but I don't have to behave like that." Note that this is your inner feeling. You can choose to act like this. What choice will be in your interest?

Accept and observe your jealous thoughts and feelings

When you notice being jealous, take a moment, breathe slowly and watch your thoughts and feelings. Be aware that jealous thoughts are not the same as REALITY. You may think your partner is interested in someone else, but that doesn't mean it is. Thoughts are different from reality. You don't have to listen to your jealous feelings and thoughts. Note that your feelings of anger and anxiety may increase as you withdraw and observe them. Accept the fact that you can have emotions - and let it be. You don't have to "get rid of this feeling right away". We have found that conscious observation of their emotions can often lead to themselves becoming weaker.

Remember that uncertainty is part of every relationship

Like many other fears, jealousy is looking for confidence. "I want to be sure she doesn't care about her." Or "I want to know for sure that we're not going to divide." However, uncertainty is part of our lives and we must learn to accept it. Uncertainty is one of the limitations we can do nothing about. You can never be sure that our partner will not leave us. However, if you blame, claim and punish yourself, you can complete this prophecy yourself.

Explore your beliefs about relationships

Your jealousy can be driven by unrealistic relationships. For example, believing that your partner's past relationships are a threat to your current relationship. Or you can say "no one but me can be attractive to my partner". You can also believe that your emotions (jealousy and anxiety) are a "sign" that there is a problem. We call it "emotional thinking", which is often a very bad incentive for decision making.

It can also be a problem for you to feel safe. For example, do you think that your partner can be forced to love you or to lose interest in someone else. You may be trying to use various tactics to suggest to your partner that he try to get closer to you and force him to do so. But this can lead to the opposite and your partner will lose interest in you.

Childhood Experience

Sometimes, what you expect from relationships is influenced by childhood experiences or past intimate relationships. If your parents have a distressing divorce because your father has left his mother for another, you may be more likely to believe that the same will happen to you. Or someone has betrayed you in a recent relationship, and now you think it will happen again in the present.

You may also think that you have nothing to offer - who wants to be with you? If your jealousy is based on this belief, then try to examine the evidence for and against it. For example, one woman thought she had nothing to offer to a partner. But when I asked her what she wanted for an ideal partner (intelligence, cordiality, emotional proximity, creativity, fun, lots of interests), she realized she was actually describing herself! If she were so undesirable, why would she consider herself an ideal partner?

Use effective relationship skills

To make your relationship safer, you don't necessarily have to resort to feelings of jealousy and jealousy. You can behave more efficiently. This means more appreciating each other:

• Pay attention to your partner when doing something positive
• Praise each other, plan nice things together and try to avoid criticism, sarcasm, sticking and contempt.
• Learn how to share responsibility for problem solving - and work together
• Plan "nice days" together - create a kind of "menu" of positive and pleasant behavior that you want from each other. For example, you might say, "Let's prepare one day this week that will be a 'day of joy' for you and one for me."
• Make a simple list of pleasant behaviors you want from each other: "I want to massage my feet," "Talk to me about my work," "Let's cook together," or "Let's go for a walk in the park."

Jealousy rarely makes relationships safer. Using effective relationship skills is often a much better alternative.